


Together

by onthighsbelongtotaemin



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Boyfriends, Cabins, Christmas, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 06:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13048806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthighsbelongtotaemin/pseuds/onthighsbelongtotaemin
Summary: Jinki disappears every Christmas & Taemin wants to know where he goes.





	Together

Taemin waits until the fifth year, until it’s clear that there’s a pattern and he’s not just reading into something that isn’t there.  When invitations he pressures Minho & Kibum to make are turned down just as easily as the ones he makes himself, and even Jongin’s shy, “Aren’t you staying for Christmas?” is met only with a shake of Jinki’s head and a warm smile.  

The solstice marks his disappearance & he won’t return again until just before the new year.  Their shy flirtations have blossomed through those five years into something bright and colorful and this year Taemin thinks maybe it’ll be different and he’ll stay.  He doesn’t though.  

They’re sitting on the sofa drinking beer and watching football when he asks what they should do for Christmas.  Jinki shrugs and doesn’t answer and in the morning Taemin is alone.  

He sits at the kitchen table and taps the wood with the knuckles of one hand while the other grips a steamy mug.  Jinki leaving wasn’t a surprise, it was inevitable really, & it felt almost unfair that he would ask him a question he had known the answer to because the answer hadn’t changed since they met: Silence.  This year was different, though.  Even if it wasn’t the way he had hoped it would be.  Because this year…this year he had Junghee.

The best in the business.  Or at least, the best in the business that his money and the discount his connection to Minho and Kibum could buy.  It was the solstice today which meant that Jinki would have left last night and as such Taemin had her waiting outside to find out where Jinki went when he disappeared every Christmas.

The call came three hours later and he was locking the door behind him even as he hung up.  A bag had been packed days before and he had showered while he waited anxiously for her call.  Five years meant that it could be anywhere and anything and Taemin just wanted to know…he wanted to know…he just…wanted to know.

The roads grew dark quick and the snow crunched beneath his tires.  The woods were thick and it was hard to see where he was going and frustrating because he had to go slow.  Her directions were clear which made it at little easier to bear the suspense.  A long drive took him to a tiny cabin that glowed in the velvet night with a thin billow of smoke veiling the stars above.  Taemin sat in his car with both hands on the wheel and thought long and hard about whether he should take the final steps or just be grateful to just to know what he did.

The echo of the door slamming shut was amplified by the icy night air and Taemin shivered in the cold and in anticipation.  Maybe he should have called.  He should have called.  He knocked on the door in the pattern that was their own, a little tease and an inside joke so that Jinki would know it couldn’t be anyone else but him.  A heads up.  An early apology for not calling first.  
To his surprise, Jinki’s eyes are red-rimmed and there are clear tear marks on his cheeks when he opens the door.  He sniffles heavily and his breath is ragged.

“Taem?”  His voice is shaky and he licks his lips and takes another breath.  Taemin drops his bag and any pretense of calm and grabs both of Jinki’s shoulders as he searches those red-rimmed eyes.

“Jinki, what’s wrong?”  The dam breaks and the tears again fall and Jinki with them into Taemin’s arms.  He kicks the door behind him and takes Jinki over to the sofa that sits across from a roaring fire with a barely opened bottle of Jack Daniel’s before it.  There’s a fleece blanket tossed haphazardly across an armrest that he gathers up and wraps Jinki in before sitting them both down.  He holds him tight and kisses his temple and hums and hopes that he’s doing the right things.

Maybe he is.  Jinki cries a lot.  And falls asleep.  Taemin doesn’t ask any more questions that night except what he remembers Minho asking Kibum the last time he was upset: Have you had anything to eat?  Are you thirsty?  He brings him water and takes him to bed, holds him there too and stares at the wall.  In the morning, he wakes up alone again but this time he hears a noise at the other end of an unfamiliar home.

Jinki’s in the kitchen and he looks terrible.  Face puffy and eyes red.  His smile is weak and he looks a little angry.

“This is a surprise.”  He doesn’t say anymore and Taemin knows he needs to explain.  Jinki should too, he thinks.  He crosses his arms defiantly.

“It is.”  Eggs, he realizes, looking over at the stove.  Jinki is cooking eggs and toast.  Real food even though he’s upset that Taemin showed up uninvited and even though he’s upset.   He uncrosses his arms.  “I wanted to surprise you.  Surprise.”  A weak smile tugs at his lips and he grimaces at himself.  Five years they’ve been building their relationship and if he’s going to be bold enough to follow Jinki into the woods he should be bold enough to ask why Jinki went. 

“Why did you come here?” he blurts out.  “And,” he adds, biting his lip, “are you OK?”  

Jinki turns off the stove and leaves the toast in the toaster and the eggs in the pan.  He walks away from it all and heads straight for the door where he stops and stares out the clear glass pane for a full minute before he begins pacing the living room for another three.  Taemin watches in fear and fascination as Jinki’s hands move up onto the top of his head and stay there, like a runner after a race.  Eventually, he squats to the ground and takes a few deep breaths before standing back up and heading back into the kitchen.

“Do you want anything for your toast?” he asks casually.  “I have strawberry jam & honey.  Butter too, I think.”

“Jinki-”

“Taemin let me just eat first, OK?”  

“Yeah,” Taemin whispers, nodding, “OK.  Strawberry.”

They don’t speak while they eat, just the scraping of metal forks on ceramic plates.  Jinki stretches out the time by washing them and the pan by hand and then drying them himself.  Taemin watches it all while standing beside a giant framed painting of a winter forest scene that feels a bit too on point in the moment.  

He turns to the right and looks out the bay window that shows a field of snow glistening like tiny stars beneath a bright winter sun.  Jinki’s sad and tense but the day is bright.  Taemin turns back before the contrast can confuse him much more.

Jinki passes by and tilts his head leading Taemin to the sofa they sat on last night.  He sits on one end and Taemin takes the other and in a weird way, the flannel throw acts a buffer between them.

“I don’t like being around other people at Christmas because I…no, that’s not it.  I like being alone around Christmas.”

“Oh.”  Taemin waits for Jinki to elaborate but he doesn’t and the silence dragging on begins to press words on his tongue.  “Sorry, I’ll just go.”  He’s halfway standing when Jinki’s hand is at his wrist pulling him back down.

“No.  Stay.  I was so happy to see you last night.  And I’m never happy to see anyone.  Not at Christmas.”  Taemin watches Jinki watching him and nods.  Jinki’s hand at his wrist begins to disappear and he quickly grabs it in his own.

“I was sad to see you sad.”  Jinki watches him watching him and nods and Taemin takes the opportunity to add, “You don’t have to tell me why.  I can just be here while you’re sad.  We can be here together.”  Jinki nods again.

“I would like that.”  Taemin nods and squeezes the hand in his.  He gives a little half-smile that Jinki mimics before lying down with his head in Taemin’s lap. 

 Hours pass in quiet with bursts of drinking or crying, the occasional attempt at conversation.  Mostly he just lays in Taemin’s lap.

The glitter of stars are no longer on the ground but back in the sky where they belong when Taemin makes them dinner.  They eat canned stew and play checkers while drinking coffee.  Jinki takes a shower and Taemin waits for him in bed.  They lie facing each other and it’s Jinki’s eyes, so red and swollen that makes Taemin reach out and caress Jinki’s face.  

He touches his eyebrows first and then his forehead, traces over his cheekbones and then his nose.  He touches his lips and chin and even the exposed ear.  Everything about Jinki’s beautiful face he can reach with his fingertips he does.  And he stays quiet.  

Two days pass in a similar manner and then it is Christmas Eve and in the morning it will be Christmas Day.  Jinki waits until Taemin finishes tracing his face before taking his hand and kissing his palm, wrist, and knuckles.

“It was a car wreck.  There were four of us.  I was the only one who survived. Their presents are still in my closet.  The gray plastic bin I have my shoes piled on, the one I wouldn’t let you open last April.”  Taemin knows exactly which bin that is.  “Don’t say anything, I can’t handle that.  I just wanted you to know why I was sad.”  Taemin nods.  And wipes away the tears sneaking down Jinki’s cheek.

“OK.”

In the morning, Jinki makes them eggs and toast.  Taemin runs his fingers through Jinki’s hair.  The snow sparkles like stars in the sky.  It is a bright winters day.  


End file.
